Attention to Detail
My last newsletter of the year includes the excitement I feel having people round to mine, a unique comedy series based on a rapper's penis and a documentary about the cop who taught pre schoolers....
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HOST: A person who receives or entertains other people as guests.
My parents are exemplary hosts.
Whooooo…Laughing at such a big word this early on but it’s true.
My whole family are actually. I was raised in familial environments where being a host was important and I learnt early on what constitutes a great host.
It’s to do with attention.
I bang on about attention a lot and it’s something I will be exploring more, in my writing, over the next year. I believe life is about attention.
End of. Drops mic. Thank you. I’m here all week.
Stay with me.
After many years of pondering {aka daydreaming} I have come to the conclusion that human interactions are all about what we do to get attention. Who needs attention. What sort of attention do we need. How much of it do we need/want, when do we want it and who do we want it from. It’s also about what sort of attention we give to others, negative and positive, and how we give it to them.
I am a middle child who is also a gemini which, in the grand scheme of things, means fuck all but I’ve managed to make it mean something.
Because I’m a middle child who is also a gemini.
Sandwiched between an older brother and a younger sister, I ~ in the words of my Mother ~ raised myself. Little attention is spent on the middle child so you simply need to get on with things. It’s just the way it works. There are more pressing issues to deal with when there’s three children under the age of five. But I have no qualms with my positioning within this family structure. I don’t know any different. I’m very independent and don’t actually need attention. In fact I often shy away from it. When I want it though. I want your full attention.
I’m still working out what the gemini side has to do with attention. Will get back to you at some point.
Being an exemplary host is about giving your full attention to an evening where you have invited guests to your home. You don’t need to be the best chef or have three desserts, a selection of hand shaken cocktails or even enough glassware {Guilty}
What you need to do is show that you have thought about your guests and you’re going to look after them the minute they step inside your abode.
One evening I invited myself round to Nicky’s. Super last minute, there was no discussion about food just ‘Let’s have a drink and catch up’ I took my now compulsory bottle of Kylie wine {Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it}, some Doritos and hummus. Classic. Vino and a salty snack.
When I turned up there was a small table laid. Just two plates, two delicately folded napkins with beautiful cutlery. Neatly placed water and wine glasses. It was the simplest table that brought me so much joy.
I had been thought of.
‘I’ve not got much in. I thought we could have a shop bought Tortilla but I’m going to shallow fry it in some butter and garlic. I just made a small chopped salad and a little salad dressing. Oh and I’ve caramelised a few onions’
Nicky used to be a chef. One my favourite things is to listen to her describing how something is made. She talks about food the same way she cooks. It’s thoughtful and measured and draws you in. I don’t know how she does it but she always manages to make just the right amount of food. There’s never too many left overs or worse, people leave hungry. She gets it just right. Her attention to detail is exquisite.
Being hosted by Tim is like walking into an enormous hug.
Firstly there is an enormous hug when you enter her flat. ALL the attention is on you. The hug says ‘Leave your worries at the door. Come be looked after. You are safe with me’ What follows is a melange of hustle and bustle. Large dogs bound around you sniffing and waging and being barked at to leave people’s crotches alone. Kids you’ve known since they were in nappies come to say hi, their friends and lovers in tow. More people arrive in a plume of hugs and kisses.
To start with you sit on high stools in the narrow kitchen. Wine is placed in your hands in small French style glasses as you sit front row to some fragrant chicken dish that’s been marinating for 24 hours. There’s potatoes being pulled out of the oven so crispy and delicious you dare to burn yourself for a preview tasting. Stories are shared, more wine is poured. You feel like you’re in the middle of family dinner and that’s how you’re treated. Like family.
The food is always too much. Too delicious, too much to choose from, too much to leave. ‘Finish it all!’ Tim will often say pushing the dishes towards you. Her hosting style is Mi Casa es Su Casa. Make yourself comfortable. Fill yourself with nourishing food that has been made with so much love, care and attention.
Migration to the sofas means snuggling up in a tangle of two or three people’s limbs with animals curling up against you. I usually fall asleep. If her house is to be my home then it’s only natural I’m going to fall asleep as soon as I sit on a sofa. It can be hard to tear yourself away from an evening at Tim’s. The attention is addictive.
When I went round to Nicky’s the other night, and saw the simple place settings, I realised how much I missed hosting.
Pre Covid I would have people round to my flat once or twice a week. But then my community dissipated and with it being a regular host. There was my book club, variations of friendship groups, single friends dropping by. I used to host a night called ‘Fabulous, Interesting, Badass women’ that brought together….you guessed it…..Fabulous, Interesting, Badass women who didn’t know each other.
What’s funny about my hosting is that I think I’m a better cook than I actually am. For some reason this fact always manages to surprise me. I’m a distinctly average cook which, even though I don’t put as much effort in as I should, still baffles me. On numerous occasions I serve food that is dry. ‘I’m just going to get some more oil/sauce/dressing’ is something I often hear Tessa hoarsely whisper as she sits at my table desperate for liquid.
What I make up for by guessing quantities rather than actually reading the recipe though is everything else. Because hosting is so much more than the food you serve. It’s about how you greet people, the experience you provide them with when they enter your home and the ascetics.
I learnt from my Mother that crudités can be the simplest of things but are always necessary. I learnt from my Father that someone should always have a drink in their hand. And what I learnt from my Auntie is that making a small, personal fuss over someone when they arrive does wonders for the soul.
A new friend from Book club 2.0 has done this to me a couple of times recently. Little asides that are thoughtful comments. Compliments about something I’ve said or am wearing or how I think. They are tiny but they make me feel amazing.
The reason these things matter and are part of my hosting style too is because I like paying attention to people. I like looking after them. I want you to feel so comfortable in my company that you can truly be yourself. The greatest compliment you can ever pay me is by coming to my house and falling asleep. Watching those lids grow heavy I think ‘Yep. My work here is done’.
Give what you want to receive.
I give because when I come to your house I want to fall asleep I want to receive some attention.
I used to loathe laying the family table. I found it the most boring job to be tasked with. Then I discovered beautiful tablecloths. As well as matching napkins and seasonal flower arrangements. Crockery and cutlery laid in a certain way can make a table say ‘Welcome to my home. I’ve been thinking about you’
Good lighting is key.
Banish the ugly light {Overhead lights. Don’t even get me started on them} and opt for a few well placed lamps. Never under estimate the power of candles. The cosy/romantic/stylish vibe is instantly upped.
For me a scented candle is a must too. I take what my home smells like nearly as seriously as my Matthais Schoenaerts fan club subscription. Which is very seriously indeed. I have two types of incense, numerous fragrant candles and five different room sprays. Come for dinner. Leave smelling like a perfume shop.
Music is so important. You want a playlist of songs that enhance your evening. Not interrupt it. Background songs that can fluidly fill the night adding to the ambience not overpowering it.
And the final detail is my attention. You have it. From the minute you ring the buzzer down stairs.
I constantly have stories to tell. Tall stories, Funny stories, Sad stories. But I also want to hear your stories. I want to laugh and listen and learn. There will always be something up for discussion. Current topics are:
1} Define being romantic
2} What is the difference between plot and story
3} Why is the standard of singing on The Voice UK so much shitter than The Voice US
I want your opinions, your judgements, your ideas. Let’s debate and grow and at some point I will no doubt write a piece about what we’ve discussed so thank you for the input.
All of it put together adds up and is part of the entertainment. It’s me hosting you and thinking about all the little details.
So who’s coming round for dinner? I’m sorry the food might be sightly overdone but I guarantee you’ll always have a drink in your hand. As well as my full attention.
Italy | June 2023
The Contents of My Consumption
~ Watching 📺~
I LOVED this documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger. The nostalgia was insane. With 3 parts the series looks at his life as an Athlete, an Actor and an American {His political career as Governor of California} I was least excited about the last part but still found it interesting. The Athlete section was really insightful as to just how successful he was as a body builder and the Actor part was my entire teenage/early 20s life. I knew all the films and was reminded that I’ve basically grown up with him. He’s not without flaws but what a man! #gettothechopper
I kept hearing whispers about Dave and then one evening I finally dove in. What an original, clever, batshit comedy series. Based on his own career trajectory and life as a wannabe rapper Dave follows…well, Dave aka Little Dicky as he attempts to infiltrate the world of rap with his unique style of constantly talking about his penis issues. The series is so much more than that though and deals with mental health, male friendships and sexual performance anxiety. Some stuff they touch on you just won’t believe! There’s cameos from Justin Bieber, Benny Blanco and Kourtney Kardashian. Really looking forward to watching Series 2 over Christmas.
~ Listening 🎧 ~
As mentioned before a well curated playlist at a dinner party does wonders for the ambience of your evening. Took me a while to get this one right but this is my go to music to set the scene. Please feel free to have a listen and use at your own soiree’s. All suggestions for new music to add are most welcome. As well as simple recipes that aren’t dry…
~ Reading 📖 ~
Giovanni’s Room | James Baldwin
Having never read any James Baldwin I decided to start with his second book, the very small, Giovanni’s Room. Super easy to read and a gripping story line but it is pretty depressing. Written in 1956 parts of it still feel modern and follows David’s relationship with the young, Italian bartender Giovanni. Set in Paris the sense of place is visceral. It made me want to wander the streets of France’s capital and drink wine in small bars along the Seine….
Paris | November 2017
And that’s me done for the year, Lovers.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting and sharing my work for the past five months. It has meant so much and I’m very grateful.
Have fun over the holidays and will see you all next year….Happy 2024!
I just discovered you and I am enamored. You are my kind of people. TIM is my kind of people - she hosts just like I host. If you come to my house I will hug you until it gets weird, because people need to be hug just that long. You are a treasure and I don't even know your name. I'm a fan.
I'm as overdue as peace on earth and goodwill to all... ( I'm dropping the men part)
But still, you've been keeping me fed forever, full of love, support, wind, wine, sexual terms that are new to me and giddiness.
In the words of one Patrick Swayze " I've got hungry eyes" let's get a date in ❤️