Love Stinks
Sometimes Love can be found in the strangest of places. This week there's also a documentary, a comedy, a small book and a story about Lional Blair...Fill ya boots, Lovers.
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The Love is complicated.
Reciprocal? Not sure. I hope so. Definitely funny. Full of laughter. But for the majority it’s sporadic and visceral and messy. So messy.
I feel it the most when I’m wiping his arse.
I know he needs me but also I’m really proud.
I leave his older brother’s room and smell him before I even know where he is. A waft of shit hits my nostrils and my adrenaline starts to rise.
Here we go.
Where the hell is he?
I can hear him and know he isn’t in his room.
I climb the stairs two by two as the smell gets stronger. I find him. Side saddling the loo. Nappy rolled into a cannoli on the floor. Singing at the toilet roll holder.
You ok?
He jumps a little when he sees me.
I’ve done a poo
He smiles and pride rushes through my body. Eyes resembling Bambi with lashes that almost touch the brows. A smile so wide and joyous it’s the very definition of Happy Baby.
I smile back at my tiny friend.
I can tell. Well done. I’m so proud of you
I mean it. He’s done it. He’s now old enough to take himself to the toilet. He just isn’t old enough to finish the job. He needs me. And I am happy to oblige.
Bend over and let me wipe your bottom please
For reasons unknown to everyone, no doubt himself included, he proceeds to stick his head right through my legs and hangs, with a vice like grip, onto my knees.
Think hanging from stocks. Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Looking down a well.
I try to stifle my laughter as the love begins to bubble inside me.
He stands up.
One more wipe please
Again the full commitment to an almost head-touching-the-floor-bend-over-whilst-using-my-legs-as-safety-rails is impressive.
Once the faffing is over
~ No you don’t need to flush twice. Leave that nappy please, we’re using a new one. Yes that is the plug. No you don’t need to play with the plug. That’s enough soap thank you. No, no more soap is needed. Take the plug out please. Yes it is like a little pond. Don’t put the plug back in please. Let’s leave the pond where it is. Dry your hands on here. The pond is going down, yes ~
I pick him up and whisper near the soft curls that frame his ear
I’m so proud of you. Well done
His hug is baby monkey style and involves full body contact. He sits high up on you so his legs wrap themselves tightly under your tits and his arms almost double around your neck. His cheek is firmly placed on yours.
You’ve done so well
He’s half talking nonsense, half giggling. Probably at the pond. His voice is soft and bubbly and is accompanied by the smile of a thousand watts.
This is when The Love is at it’s strongest. Right after he’s taken a shit.
It was the same with his brother. And Tiny Niece and My First Tiny Boyfriend and….
The unexpected moments of a finger being stuck up my nose when I gave one of them a bottle. The panic of an emergency attack of diarrhoea on the way home from school. The constant kisses received whilst holding one of them as….you guessed it…they took a shit.
The Love doesn’t sustain it’s intensity though. It can’t.
He’s not mine and I don’t see him that often.
He forgets the poo and the pond. The next time I see him a screaming argument arises about teeth brushing/nappies/ice cream.
The Love turns to hardcore adrenaline that makes me sweat instantly. I count the minutes until I can lie downstairs in silence. With wine.
Then the cycle happens again.
I smell him first. Hear his calls. I find him half asleep in a diaper full of shit.
It’s ok my friend. We’re going to sort you out
He has nappy rash and in a foul smelling, hot and humid room asks me to
Put more cream in the hole!
The Love is back.
London | November 2016
The Contents of My Consumption
~ Watching 📺~
I finally sat down and watched this Brooke Shields documentary and boy was it an eye opener. I never realised just how famous she was and from such a young age. The title comes from one of her, MANY, films where the question of whether or not she was sexually exploited as a child comes up. Things would be handled very differently now but she looks back at what happened to her, and her relationship with her alcoholic, controlling Mother, with intelligence and inquisitiveness. Such a new fan of hers after watching it.
Our Flag Means Death | BBC Iplayer
A small delightful comedy on BBC that should be known by so many more people! Taika Waititi and Rhys Darby are joined by a whole host of British actors, as well as some American heavyweights, in this pirate love story set at sea. It’s silly and funny and romantic. I loved it. Season 2 is out in the states {My friend Gypsy did the costume design for the second series} but is yet to get to us. Watch it and spread the word.
~ Exhibition 🎨~
Women in Revolt!: Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1980 | Tate Britain
I felt very emotional from the moment I stepped into this exhibition. Anger can be a powerful creative force and there was a lot of anger on display from a myriad of women. Anger about unequal pay, childcare, the environment, the government, our bodies. One room has a woman on a video loop just screaming! Walking around Fiona and I often asked ourselves how many things have actually changed for women. There is a lot of content to take in but is well worth a visit.
~ Reading 📖 ~
I read this book during a half hour break at work…yes, it’s that small. Well, it’s a short story then isn’t it but it comes in the form of a small book you find in Museum bookshops. I loved Normal People and Conversations with Friends and loved this mini fix from Rooney’s mind. For short attention spans and overcrowded brains. Great little stocking filler too.
I Hope You Know You Have A Friend | Letters of Note | Substack
After watching the Beckham documentary on Netflix I came away from it with a new found respect for Alex Ferguson. Was also super intrigued by the relationship between him and Beckham. I found this letter that Ferguson wrote to Eric Cantona in the 90s and my respect deepened even more
Some months have passed since we last spoke and I felt that I should write to you as a mark of respect and esteem in which I hold you.
When we re-started training, I kept waiting for you to turn up as normal but I think that was in hope not realism and I knew in your eyes when we met at Mottram your time at Manchester United was over.
London | January 2017
Tiny Tales in 10 x 10
Inspired by Tiny Love Stories, as part of Modern Love for The New York Times, I decided to challenge myself to writing short stories in no more than 100 words…
On the last day of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2009 I sat in the Plesance courtyard hanging out with Lional Blair.
He was doing a show called ‘Tap and Chat with Lional'. He was moaning about having to share a dressing room. I said ‘Lional you’re lucky to even get one. I’m doing my show in a storage container and get dressed in the carpark’
‘Oh that’s not right!’ He cried.
His hair was like candy floss and he spent a long time licking a strawberry ice cream. He pronounced my name Arndrea and shared his cigarettes with me.
100/100
I see you, Ladies🔎
Highlighting extraordinary, hardworking, fabulous women over the age of 50. Regardless of how society has previously treated women past a certain age I am looking to be inspired by generations before me and refuse to fade away anytime soon. I see you, Ladies….I see you.
I’d not seen Annabel Croft for years and then this Summer there she was, replacing Sue Barker after her retirement, interviewing the winner of the men’s singles final at Wimbledon. Such a lovely surprise to see her. She was efficient, calm and empathetic.
From an early age she was involved in professional tennis and by 15 was the youngest player to compete at Wimbledon for 95 years. After that she continued to represent Great Britain in tournaments around the globe and at her height was ranked 24th in the world.
Shortly after her retirement from professional tennis, at the age of 21, she took over from Anneka Rice as the presenter of Treasure Hunt which is where I first saw her. Funny and active and up for anything she was great.
Since then she’s been a tennis reporter, commentator, and anchor for leading broadcasters including coverage of Wimbledon for the BBC and Radio 5 Live. Also as a tennis pundit for the Australian and French Open for Eurosport.
After a short illness Annabel’s husband of 30 years died of cancer in May of this year. Needing to say yes to anything and everything, to keep herself busy and find some joy, for herself and her three children, she was interviewing Carlos Alcaraz at Wimbledon two months later and now dances every Saturday night with Johannes Radebe on Strictly Come Dancing.
Active. Driven. Surviving ~ 57 years young
We see you Annabel Croft….We see you.
You have the greatest love. I love you and know you love me but I really hope you never have to wipe my bum 🌸
THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING THE DEPTH OF A MOTHER'S LOVE.
GOD BLESS YOU AND ALL OF YOYR CHILDREN.