Who are you taking with you?

Starting to build ideas and foundations for a future surrounded by people who care and want to be a part of something....Also a sweet Aussie comedy and an Italian memoir.

Oct 26, 2023

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Who are you taking with you?

Geoff got married at the age of 49.

No one thought it would happen, least of all him, but it did.

This manchild, serial dating, Mummy’s boy finally said I Do to a straight talking Italian in the grounds of a big house in the middle of the countryside.

It was a festival wedding that epitomised everything he is ~ Slightly disorganised, a little chaotic, so much fun and full of love.

I first met him at a mutual friends wedding. Their honeymoon actually.

A group of us went skiing and there he was. Guffawing loudly in every corner. Speaking the unspeakable. Needing constant help with his skies and trying it on with me.

He was annoying as fuck. For some reason I kept going back for more.

Within the NINE SPEECHES at his wedding festival a number of people mentioned how frustrating he can be. How relentless and tiresome we can all find him. He, himself, said he’d probably had an argument with every single person there. And yet the room was full. Full of people who love him and care deeply for him and his, now, wife.

Our one major argument came on a holiday to Mallorca. It started at the airport when we ended up running for the plane. I don’t run for planes. That’s not the way I ever want to start a holiday.

I can’t remember the reason for our latenesss ~ He’d misread the timings, forgotten his passport, stayed too long in Pret. It could have been any and all of those things.

Little niggles escalated until we found ourselves screaming at each other in the hire car.

You’re such a dick I shouted at him

And I’d forgotten you were such a bitch He spat back

We’d gone to write a film together. We called it Project Hollywood. Every couple of years he claims we were onto something and we should revisit it. The plot was a young Jewish boy dealing with the grief of his father dying, an intense relationship with his mother and not being able to sustain a relationship. No research was necessary on his part.

I don’t know how we bounced back from that holiday but somehow we did.

And that’s the thing about the relentlessness, the arguments and how tiresome he can be. After a while everything comes round full circle.

He won’t let things lie, doesn’t like to leave an argument in the air and pretty much says yes to everything. The relentlessness goes both ways. Whilst it can be a bombardment if you’re pissed off it also shows he cares and is concerned if you’re not.

What I loved most about this liberal Jewish union was the group of people the bride and groom chose to surround themselves with. There was the usual for most celebrations ~ A mixture of family, school friends, work colleagues. But this melange of creatives couldn’t stop waxing lyrical about how Geoff had helped them in their lives. Everyone had a story about this giving man.

I went to the gathering of love with Mills.

I had stolen Geoff from a friend, Mills had stolen him from me.

They worked in the same industry, had more things in common. They’d been away on work shoots, shot films together and generally kept in touch more. Whilst I knew a few people Mills knew so many more. Every few minutes I was introduced to someone Geoff worked with, made a documentary with, met at a rave, met on the street, helped secure funding for, leant equipment too. I had multiple conversations over canapés, around bars, in bathrooms with people I’d never met before but who shared a common thread. Our love for a man who is one of life’s helpers. A person who is really interested in you and your life. The collective feeling of love in this group was awe inspiring. It gave me such a natural high….even though I was also unnaturally high.

For the past few years Mills has been on a hardcore sales pitch to find people to join her commune. She is recruiting for a future of living with friends who will all look after each other. Pre requisites are minimal - Don’t be an arsehole being the only one I think - all you need is a desire to live with people and for people. More the merrier is her moto in life so at the moment if you’ve had a discussion with her about it I’m pretty sure you’re in

COMMUNE: A group of people living together and sharing possessions and responsibilities.

The reality is if you’re childless, single through choice or circumstances or not far up the career ladder who’s going to look after you when you’re old? Nursing homes cost an absolute fortune.

I am a proud SINK ~ Single Income No Kids. Who knows what will happen in the next 30 years but I’m guessing there’s no nursing home in my future. All I will have is the life I choose to build for myself. Which hopefully will include a collection of people who will look after me and vice versa.

Recently the commune discussions have changed though. As Mills asks more detailed questions about what exactly a commune would look like to individuals the answers all vary

‘Oh I don’t want to actually LIVE in the same house as everyone else’

‘I need my own garden’

‘I can’t to be told what chores I have to do’

‘No organised fun please’

The reality of a commune might perhaps be too much. What we decided on during our last holiday was not a future commune but a future community.

COMMUNITY: 1. A group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common. 2. The condition of sharing or having certain attitudes and interests in common.

Netflix’s recent documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the blue zone is an absolute joy to watch. It looks at areas around the world with a high concentration of centurions. Not wanting to spoil too much {See The Contents of my Consumption below} a large part of why these people lived such a long life is…you guessed it ~ Community.

Who is your neighbour and what are you doing for each other? Are you in walking distance of friends who would help you out at the drop of a hat?

My community shrunk violently during Covid. There was a mass exodus from London and with it went the safety net of close friendships, a book club, a regular social life. It was the Summer and we were still getting used to ‘being out’, heading back to work, seeing our families again. I didn’t really feel the repercussions until much later.

I do have a community in and around my home. I live on an estate where I know my neighbours to stop, have a chat, pick up/drop off packages. I know Donald and Ray who work in the grounds, the security guards and cashiers at my local supermarkets, my nail technicians, my fabulous tailors, the beauties at my gym. If there’s a day where I’ve not spoken to anyone I can always go and find these people and have a conversation.

But Donald is not going to bring me supplies if I’m laid up in bed feeling ill. Muggi, my tailor, isn’t asking about the Boy who recently messed with my head. I worked hard for this community but it’s surface. It’s still incredibly important and I’m extremely grateful for it. But if I move we’re not keeping in touch {Well I am with Muggi because I can’t live without her}

The community Mills is aiming for is hard to replicate in London. I no longer have an ‘I’ll be right there’ friend who lives an 11 minute walk away {Read: Neighbour in London. Miss you Soph} I have very few ‘Free tonight?’ friends nearby now {Miss you Mags}

Because the reality is circumstances change, children arrive, people start to shack up, house prices are cheaper outside of London and the community you built starts to disperse. After Geoff’s wedding I decided I needed to work on building up that community again.

‘Who am I taking with me?’ is what I came away from The Love Gathering with. That and a tupperware full of weed brownies.

Alzheimer’s Research UK, in a 2022 report, found that

people who are socially isolated had lower brain volume in regions associated with learning and thinking. These brain regions are typically among the first to be affected by Alzheimer’s, the most common cause of dementia.

Community. Perhaps an underrated but powerful entity that could help us live longer and better.

So, Who are you taking with you to build a future where you can be there for each other? Who have you joyfully sung the praises of because they help you and you are more than happy to return the gesture?

That’s what we did at The Love Gathering Wedding Festival. Strangers stood around happily discussing their love for an individuals place in their life. Geoff’s community, who had all come out in force to celebrate his marriage, were an inspiring lot and I hope I can replicate a small portion of it in my future.

The Contents of My Consumption

~ Watching 📺~

Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones | Netflix
As mentioned above it is a joy to watch! Community, volunteering, active lifestyle are among some of the factors that can lead to a happy, healthy and long life. Writer Dan Buettner has been studying the Blue Zones for years and attempts to replicate their effects elsewhere in the world. Small adjustments in your lifestyle could lead to big changes. I loved it so much.
Colin from Accounts | BBC Iplayer
Speaking of things I loved…Colin from Accounts is up there! So sweet and funny and original this Aussie sitcom stars, and is written by, real life couple Harriet Dyer and Patrick Brammal. After ‘they’ hit a dog with a car this love story goes on some wild journeys. Would highly recommend as a feel good piece of TV. They’re writing Season 2 as I type….

~ Listening 🎧 ~

Changes with Annie Mac: Zadie Smith | Spotify
This is a safe space, right? I LOVE Zadie Smith. When she’s talking…..not her writing. SORRY! She’s just too academic for me. Too highbrow. I don’t find reading enjoyable when I have to constantly reread paragraphs. When she’s on a podcast though I wish I was her friend. She sounds SO cool and I loved this chat she had with Annie Mac. She talks a little about her upbringing as well as how who she surrounds herself with gives her life meaning. Also she discusses her new book. She talks about The Fraud so eloquently it almost makes me want to attempt to read it!

~ Reading 📖 ~

Family Lexicon | Natalia Ginzburg
This was my latest bookclub book which I really liked. It’s a non fiction read about the writer Natalia Ginzburgs upbringing before, during and just after the second world war. With about 50 pages to go I finally asked my Mother what lexicon actually meant! It’s her families dialogue and the funny phrases they used to say to each other all the time. Super easy read and a time capsule of life in Italy during a turbulent epoch.
‘Every part of my body hurts’ in The Shift with Sam Baker |Substack
I found this essay by Hilary Mantel, first published in 2004, very moving. It’s recently been rereleased in a collection of her non-fiction writing. A Memoir of My Former Self: A life of Writing. She was diagnosed late in life with endometriosis and lived often in pain. There’s still not enough research done in that area today so you can imagine how bad it was in the 80s. Beautifully written and definitely worth a read.
Doctors thought that, after a hysterectomy, the disease couldn’t come back. Some still think that. But the disease has to be eradicated cell by cell; my surgery didn’t do that. Subsequent drug treatment expanded me to twice my previous size; I went to live in a body I didn’t recognise. Fatigue and intermittent pain are still my companions. My soul rattles around in its capacious house, and dwells on the life I might have had {…}

Hove | August 2020

Thanks for reading, Lovers.

Feels good to have a community of sorts here online ~ reading and digesting similar topics.

Would love to know any thoughts on your idea of a future community….What would it look like to you?

AD Writes

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