Dating in the Digital Age: Introdicktion
Introducing a new series of my Dating Diaries. Think Nora Ephron meets Carrie Bradshaw meets Amelia Dimoldenberg from Chicken Shop Date….
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‘I can't believe, It's so hard to find someone, To give affection to, And from whom you can receive. I guess it's just the draw of the cards. In matters of the heart’
Matters of The Heart | Tracy Chapman
To acquire all the aforementioned sex I plan on having this year, dating is required.
And to date in the year 2024 is to make oneself familiar with dating apps.
Oh Lordy, Give me strength 🙏🏽
I am actually all too familiar with them. I’ve been online dating now for almost ten years. Not exclusively I might add. There have been long periods of
‘Shall we just watch Bake Off, Tess?’
Months would go by without looking at a single picture of a man swimming with a dolphin. Taking a break wasn’t a bad thing though as I worked out how to use it to my advantage. I soon realised that once left alone, as the saying goes, the cream will always rise to the top.
When you’re reduced to surfing the dregs of society and all you seem to see are 50 year old taxi drivers from Streatham who look like 60 year old taxi drivers from Streatham ~ it’s time to take a break. A small pause. A reset if you will. Whence one returns to the world of scrolling the hot creamy totties are once again at the forefront.
You’re no longer subjected to looking at profiles of men who haven’t seen a vegetable in the past twelve years.
No Kyle. That first photo of you with a fag hanging from your dry lips is not appealing……To me anyway. Good luck on your quest!
I also, SHOCK HORROR, managed to meet a handful of men IRL! I know! Who’d have thought it in this age of screens and more screens…with a side order of screens.
The fact of my dating matter is that, for years, I worked in predominately female spaces. Majority {if not all} female staff, female clients, female customers.
I was forever in spaces that men simply did not enter. A bit like my vagina.
Or if they did it was to buy presents for their partners/lovers/wives.
The spaces I worked in not my vagina.
I also never went out. I mean of course I went out but not out out. Not on the pull. I was desperately trying to create a career in any free time I wasn’t at my day job.
Spending time and money on going to the pub when the rugby’s on was just not an option when you’re aiming for an Oscar. I needed those pennies to pay a technician to light me in my one woman show above a pub on a roundabout in North London.
I am also an introvert who would rather be at home reading than ‘being on’ in any group social situation. The thought alone exhausts me.
Sooooooo, Apps it is then.
Now I’d like to preface this with the fact that I don’t hate them. Not like a lot of people do. But I understand why some have such loathing towards them ~ The dehumanising factor of picking people based on their looks, the easability in which you can literally delete someone with no explanation, the time and effort needed to get results from it.
I get all that.
The trick is if it does all get a bit too demoralising, a bit too monotonous and technical and sad you can always simply step away. Get some perspective in the real world. Take some time to look up instead of down. It’s easy to do and can make a world of difference.
The trouble is that over ten years of dating apps {Tinder launched in 2012}, where people have been constantly looking down, can leave some a little jaded.
There seems to be a weariness in the air that has crept in over the past few years. Some of the profiles I come across can appear bitter.
Picky. Frustrated. Desperate. Fatigued.
It’s hard to read someone’s profile when there’s a list of do’s and don’ts attached.
If you don’t like sarcasm swipe left
Not interested if your phone is more important to you then a conversation!!
I can handle fake nails, tan etc, but no silicon duck lips please and marker pens aren’t intended for drawing eyebrows unless you’re pranking somone.
Let’s prove to each other that all this time we’ve invested into these apps hasn’t been a complete waste of time and we can potentially build something meaningful together
*ONLY* interested in kinky horny MILF’s. If you are one swipe right*
The excitement of potential on tap sex can soon wear off as you swipe from side to side making judgements based on how well a person can take a photo, how witty they are in their profiles or, sometimes most importantly, the proximity of their house to yours. It can be draining and also feel like a job. A 4th job for me no less.
But still we persevere, right?
So, I scour the internet to see who’s out there in the hope of experience, connection and content {In the words of Nora Ephron ~ Everything is copy}
Firstly I need to decide what it is that I want exactly. I take time to think about this and come to a decision, that I have long felt, and finally say out loud.
I do not want a relationship.
Much to the disbelief of others I really don’t. Fiercely independent I simply can not answer to another. I’m terrible at it. I also have no time to be involved with someone else's life ~ their friends, family, careers, holiday choices, unhealthy/untidy/unfeminist ways. I run a tight ship and have trouble keeping up with the friends and family I already have.
No, I want some fun. This 45 year olds body and brain are in good shape and laughing is necessary for its up keep and maintenance. As well as sanity.
With that in mind I tailor my profiles accordingly.
Looking for a light dusting of romance on an already delightful life. Up for having fun with people who are funny and kind. Make me laugh and we’ll be fine…Wanna come and make me laugh?
Firstly we’re on the OG, Tinder. Once a hot bed of unsolicited dick pics and married men looking for one night stands. Now it’s a limp deck of tired people looking for any human contact….as well as a one night stand. Apparently it has the hottest women on there too. I’m yet to discover them.
Then there’s Bumble, the app where women make the first move. Tauted as the feminist dating app, when it launched back in 2014, it is now seen as unfeminist due to women having to do all the initial work. There is also a 24 hour time limit on that first interaction which means you have to be calculated when hunting for dick. It took a while for me to realise that swiping right on someone at 3pm on a Saturday was never going to work. I don’t know about you but I find there’s nothing sexier than creating a timetable for when to look for a potential suitor.
Hinge….Oh dear sweet, helpless Hinge. The initial excitement about Hinge was that you could say more. The cerebral were wetting themselves about being able to answer prompt questions and showcase themselves more. Show off their wit, their intelligence. Sadly now it is the app where conversations go to die. Literally. No one talks. People still match but there is a deathly silence shrouding that app for reasons completely unknown to all.
And last, but by no {means no} means least there’s Feeld. Known as the kink app it is a refreshing hot, sweaty, wet patch stained bed of honesty about sexual desires. Anything goes. And I mean ANYTHING. It’s strewn with acronyms** that I constantly need to google but gets to the point of what people actually want ASAP. TFFT IMHO.
So there you have it. A brief introduction to the apps that are guiding me through this new series of stories I shall sporadically be sharing with you about dating.
Dating in these wild, isolating, highly accessible, troubled times ~ The digital age.com.
Why do I want to hear about that? I hear absolutely none of you cry.
Well, because some dating situations I have been in are so ‘story worthy’ they need to be shared with a wider audience. Isn’t that reason enough? If we were sat in a pub I’d tell you all the delicious details so why not here? On this public forum that anyone can read?
I also see it as a time caspsule of my mid 40s. There’s only so long I can keep dating people in their 30s….why not keep a record of it?
D in the DA {I don’t think that works written down but I like saying it} will not just be restricted to app dating though. It will be all dating from set ups to bar meets to Air BnB hosts to…..
The majority of our communication these days either starts or grows or dies through digital communication. It can be fascinating and heartbreaking and hilarious and I have many a tale to tell. Not all my interactions will be included here. Some dates are so average even I can’t find a witty spin to put on them. I shall just let them lie quietly in the graveyard that is Hinge. Silently doing nothing and not being spoken about.
Wanna come along for the ride? Upgrade to paid if you haven’t already and hear my ridiculous dating adventures.
Hopefully see you soon for the tale of Big D and his Boy Maths……
*All real lines lifted from actual profiles.
**Or are they abbreviations? One woman wrote a lengthy rant about which one they were but I naturally swiped left at the language police in her. FML.
Budapest | September 2017
The Contents of My Consumption
~ Watching 📺~
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